There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize