my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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