I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize