Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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