so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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