I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
