3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
