Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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