Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize