I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
