so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
