Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
