You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
