No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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