If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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