were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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