i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
