I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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