This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
