this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
