Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
