Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
