My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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