Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I need a beard to bite.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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