i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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