Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
