it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You took a bar mat shot.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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