put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
