That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
