just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
