I'm lost and stupid without you.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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