I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
