I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
