How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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