I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
