I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
