Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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