Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
what is it with giant penises always finding me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
