Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
