I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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