His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
