I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
