i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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