You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
