I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize