I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
