Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
