I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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