i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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