i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize