Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
