Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
