Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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