i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
