Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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