we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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