they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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