Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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