Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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