The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
