mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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