3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
