I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
