you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
