I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
