A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
