Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
